I know its still considered Monday. Its starting to form my to do list for tuesday.
i will see everyone at 2peas chat at noon pst on the digi board.
Here's my freebie for August/September 2009.
We Moved overlay Frames bw.zip
I just came to a hard realization about my life, my marriage, and the future. Its not too pretty. My life could double for the Jerry McGuire Movie without the happy ending as of tonight. If you have not watched the movie with Renee and Tom Cruise, then you should. It will be a peep into watch my life is like expect I have not real job skills other than teaching preschool. The thunder and lighthing in the background only reflects the deep senese of pain, anger, and frustration that is ever building inside me. Not like my DH will ever admit that instead of turning to me,to say, that he was wrong for not confiding his feelings about the very real possiblity that in October or November he may not have job. He accuses of me of being on the internet day and night, not doing anything with the house, the kids, or making sure the kids have a good school year. I can see a person in similar stature as Cubing Jr asking my DH one day "Do you really love her? Did you get with her for the free sex that marriage provides?" I will probably spend the next week not only alone but on the couch in the den by myself. Are the kids spending the night in their own beds that we just spent thousands of dollars and a promise from them and my DH that he and I would spend more time together. NO..its me a book or a television show until I fall asleep from emotional exhaugstion. IF you wonder if we argue like in the movie..expect tonight in front of the kids some what. I understand his frustrations from my life as a single parent just before we meet and married. He forgets I can totally see and understand his trust.
If it wasn't for my strong intrigity side of me, i would say I could be open for a sugar daddy or a sugar momma for my DH but I am not. Honestly, I couldn't take the feeling of failure and a broken promise to God that I would not go that route. I wouldn't even sell my soul to the devil to stay alive longer if involved in a traumic experience for my kids. That is how strong my intrigity side is now with maturity and age. At one point in my youth, I wasn't that good of being a person of intrigity. I lost sight of what is the important thing in life. Not winning the race in first place but just crossing the finish.
So, with only tears and snot running down all over me (which is gross btw), the sound of awful thunder, and an occasional flash of lighing. I sit here, numb all over, and a heart that is breaking until the might hand of realization hits my husband from up above of what a jerk he has been. If he only knew, I had his back. I am going to give up entering into a 5k race in october, so, I won't be accused of spending money that we needed in case he looses his job.
Did i have a relaxing night as planned? Maybe a joint foot massage with my DH? No..just a night alone again. Baseball playing in the background that is tied 2 to 2..does it matter. NO..my DH says I won't watch the game with him anymore. Hell, I am trying to read a book that is a thick a piece of granite that is due back next week. BTW, The Hour I First Believed..by Wally Lamb..go but tear jerker. It takes awhile to get involved and see the insights of lessons learned.It is worth finishing.
How I wish I could just stand in the rain pouring down cool showers on me without the fear of being struck by lighting? Would it change my situation? NO. It would just feel good. Better than a box of chocolates, an alcoholic drink, and a good time with my DH. No. It would temporarily let me refreshed, renewed, re-uped for bat...I couldn't think of any more "re" words at the moment.
I wish I could find a job that I could work from home, make more money than my DH, relieve his stress, and his burden. Expect, my limited work skills. If I had only gone through my 2 year degree program. IF's If's If's...my DH says its too late to go back and improve your skills. I say thats the biggest amount of horse crap I have ever heard in my life. Its never too late unless you are on your death bed have your last rites read to you.
Am I anger and frustrated at this point? Yes. Am I here hurting like a two year old who's hair has just been pulled by a classmate? Yes.
Do I want a simple solution to a complicated situation? NO/Yes..only if its of intrigity.
I am sorry to fill your screens with dispairing news with already dispairing economy. I have no wear else to turn. My once supportive in laws are now unable to take any long conversations about problems. They have way to many they need to sort out and deal with themselves. Not to mention probably finanical as well but you didn't hear that from. I just need to vent. I need to get back to I can do anything because of he who lives me frame of mind. This the only way I know...let it go..let it show..say it. see it admit it..accept it..then determine on how I change anything if at all. Accept the outcome whatever it maybe...
Thanks for listening to me silently through the internet. I know this is probably keeping from getting on a design team or even a paid position with any company. I would rather be honest then show how I am good no matter what the circumstances are through my work and actions..